Musical Scorer

In the words of Willie Nelson: “The life I love is making music with my friends”.
Thankfully, this is how I have spent the last three days. Since the England football team flatly refuses to offer up the slightest shred of inspiration, we have had to do it ourselves and although I am bound to add a certain bias, the band sounds great.

Fabio Capello could learn a lot from the balance of our team. It has strength in depth, a perfect mix of youth and experience and an unconquerable spirit.

This is how we line up:

Joey Love – The goalkeeper of the band, a safe pair of hands, the rock upon which we build our squad.

Gary ‘The G-man’ Page - The towering, hard-tackling centre-half who can deal with whatever you throw at him; tubular bells, washboard, mellotron, a box full of broken dominoes suspended on elastic bands. A bit like John Terry but not a total bastard.

Jokeman Tennessee Slim – The marauding full back, takes care of his defensive duties but isn’t afraid to show some flair and audacious footwork as he sweeps into the attacking third of the bass guitar fretboard.

Piss Whiskey – A naturally attacking player, there were some raised eyebrows when he was asked to play out of position as the holding midfield keyboard player but has been a revelation in pre-season with his perfectly timed interceptions.

Hannah ‘The Flame’ Peel – The creative midfield playmaker, blessed with the effortless grace, poise and elegance of Zinedine Zidane. Never a bad pass, she reads the game fluently in any position on the musical field of play.

Velvet Hands Arnold – Our Steven Gerrard figure has excelled after being given a ‘free role’ in the team. Previous band formations had constrained his attacking potential by playing him out on the musical left wing. A proven match-winner.

Like Brazil in 1970, Holland in ’74 or Creedence in ’69, to play with a team of this quality, in the form of their lives, is a blessing for any aspiring singer/goalscorer and I pledge to give everything I can to bring about a historic victory.

Match Schedule:

Leeds Brudenell Social – July 4th
Newcastle Cluny – July 5th
London KOKO – July 8th

Latitude Festival – july 17th